Erma Bombeck Quotes

A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend – and he’s a priest.

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, ‘I used everything you gave me’.

I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: ‘Checkout Time is 18 years.’

Never have more children than you have car windows.

Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It’s too controversial.

Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You’re not out of it until the computer says you’re out of it.

Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.

Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.

My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.

There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.

House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad.

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

Encourage independence in your children by regularly losing them in the supermarket.

If I had my life to live over, instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I’d have cherished ever moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.

Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It’s gossip.