George Carlin Quotes

There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who cannot.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front row seat.

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

The reason I talk to myself is that I’m the only one whose answers I accept.

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer’s disease where they slowly began to recover other people’s lost memories.

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.

People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.

The status quo sucks.

If we could just find out who’s in charge, we could kill him.